I used to be miserable, anxious, bitter, feeling inferior, constantly overthinking.
I used to work hard, procrastinate even harder, chased by fear and stress.
I used to think, wow, life is so full of distress that I never really get a day of rest. Why does one need to suffer so much, what is the meaning of life?
I might have found and been seemingly persuaded by a few theories. In fact, I wonder if one’s pursuit of meaning is driven by meaningless suffering and the need for justification.
It is in these couple years that everything has changed for me.
I feel fortunate, blessed, free of worry, and grateful for being alive. It is not always the case, but ruling out the impact of certain people, it is pretty much the case.
I used to use logic and cognitive process to change my perception and perspective, learning from others and telling myself how absurd it is to run all those worrisome simulations in my mind. I no longer need to do that. The default mode is clear, like a clear sky. Clouds come and go, sometimes disappearing faster if I move around and get fresh air.
I feel transformed: my behavior still route back and forth, but my attitude has completely flipped.
You might wonder, what happened.
A very dense amount of suffering led to the following findings:
- I found that all the ancient sages are saying one same thing about our life and the universe. If people at the top level of wisdom are all saying the same thing about the truth of life, then I have to or have decided to trust them and their findings. Good news: we were never born and will never die.
- I found the me inside myself that gives unconditional love toward me. That me doesn’t need me to be famous or rich or to hold competitive advantage compared to others, my brainwashed parents do. Therefore, with the support of me, and the practice of shutting off the inner critic of parents and society figures, I learned to trust myself, and love myself. I feel very proud when I trust my feelings and stand up for myself.
- I found the true source of strength when I became an adult at 30 years old. There was a moment when I decided to take sole responsibility for my life. To my very surprise, it tastes like freedom rather than a heavy burden. I found the single source of motivation and power from within, not outside, granted by the freedom to create a life of my own. I know the external motivators too well, fear, anxiety, discontent, and feelings of inadequacy; they completely failed to motivate me this year, that I had to rest and find the alternative.
It is a renewed experience. With self-love and self-trust, and freedom to live, things to do almost naturally arise, like this blog. I am still living the old life, only perhaps feeling more fortunate that everything happens to me is a blessing, and I will flow with it, play my part, and enjoy the ride.